“All of my plans fell through my hands,
They fell through my hands on me.
All of my dreams it suddenly seems,
It suddenly seems . . .
– Dolores O’Riordan (The Cranberries)
I’ve been sittin’ here for 20 minutes trying to figure out how to start this post. There’s just no good way. So I’ll get straight to the point . . .
I’ll be taking a leave from A Call to Action. I don’t know for how long . . . a long while, most likely.
But didn’t I just come back from a long leave?
Yeah. I did.
And I’m not quite the same person as I was before. I never will be. I never can be.
Whatever that part of me was, it’s gone. I know that doesn’t make much sense. It doesn’t make sense to me either.
But I can feel it.
I’ve been told I’m an angry man. And I’ve been told I’m a passionate man. I’ve been accused of hiding deep pain, and applauded for bearing my soul. I’ve been called negative, bitter and depressing. And I’ve been tearfully thanked for my words . . . for inspiring real change.
So which is it?
All of it actually . . . at one point or another. Like any man, I’ve a wealth of different experiences. I’ve a hundred different sides to me. A hundred conflicting emotions. But right now, I just feel . . .
I often preach that we need to face hard truth. However uncomfortable it might be. Well, the same shit applies to me too.
And the hard truth is that my fire — whatever fire I had — has burnt away. Nothing but ash and ember remain.
My writing’s been forced. Uninspired. Someone’s hit the repeat button and now I’m stuck in a loop . . . saying the same thing over and over.
Accept the blame. Accept the responsibility.
Accept the truth.
The fucking truth.
Take charge. Take a stand.
Take the wheel.
Well just what the fuck does that mean? Huh?
I’ll tell you what it means: it means I need to go in a new direction. It means I need to stop swimming against the current.
I need to tread a different path.
The reason A Call to Action earned its reputation is because I wrote when inspired. In no uncertain words. I wrote in fury. I wrote in pain. I wrote in hope.
I wrote my blood and guts right onto the fucking page.
Because I was writing for me.
I was writing what I needed to hear. That “kick in the ass” I so delightedly sent your way was always first delivered to my own derriere. My writing was a reminder to never again become the kind of person I once was. And it was the smack in the face I needed to keep my head up high and my eyes firmly set on the path ahead.
But just what path was that?
I thought I knew. My path lay in fitness and personal development.
Here’s the truth though: I’m no fucking self-help guru. I never wanted to be. I’m the last guy in the world who should be telling you how to live your life. I’ve fucked up more opportunities than most will ever have. That’s why I tend to preach how not to be rather than how to be. I could only ever speak from my own experience. Anything else would’ve been a sham.
And while I’ll always be passionate about health and fitness, writing about it was ever a hit or miss affair.
So I’m dialing it back.
A Call to Action has served its purpose. It’s made me a better person. It’s been my stepping stone. My kick in the ass.
I’ve written shit that’s left me a pathetic sobbing wreck. Some of it I published. Much of it I never did. But it was a release nonetheless. It opened my eyes.
Through this blog, through this very post, I reawakened my passion for baking. It ate and ate at me for months.
Until I could ignore it no more.
I heeded my own advice and quit my cush office job to return to the hard, yet fulfilling, life of a baker. That’s right, I can thank my own blog for inspiring me to follow my passion.
I don’t know if that’s totally awesome or just plain fucked up. But it is what it is.
Here’s the thing though: I love blogging. I love everything about it. Call me an addict, but I can’t give it up.
I WON’T give it up.
So I’m standing at the crossroads. Pulled in two different directions . . .
Bake. Or blog.
I’m no multitasker. By pursuing both, I can only give each a half-assed effort. It’s gotta be one or the other. Unless . . .
Unless . . .
I blog about what I love. My truest passion . . .
“Well duh,” you say.
I know, I know. But sometimes I’m slow to come around to the obvious.
So that’s what I’m gonna do. I don’t know how my personality will mesh with the over crowded world of food bloggers, but I guess we’re gonna find out.
I’ll be stepping back from A Call to Action while I get my new site up and running. I have to give it my full attention until it can sustain itself.
Until it takes on a life of its own.
Thankfully, I’ve learned a ton from my time with this blog. Lessons I’ll put to good use, you can be sure.
I’m not done with A Call to Action. It’s my first baby, and it’s still got plenty of growing up to do. But when I return, it won’t be the same blog. I don’t know what’ll become of it exactly. Something better, I suspect.
Until that day, however, this is my goodbye. And since I’m not one for long drawn out mushy goodbyes, please know that I mean it, truly mean it, when I say . . .