Why Douchebags Get the Girls, Get the Promotions, and Leave You Begging for Scraps


Douchebags. Goddamn douchebags. I hate ‘em. My guess is you do too. And for good reason . . . they coast through life so easily. Ne’er a struggle. Ne’er a doubt. Just free to be their douchey self, and reaping all the perks.

And that’s why we really hate ‘em, right? It’s those perks. I mean, let’s be honest now, what is it we truly hate about these douchebags?

They get paid. And they get laid.

Those motherfuckers.

But wait a sec. This is sounding a lot like envy to me. Don’t we all want to get paid? And laid?

Of course.

Well then, maybe it’s time we stop mocking the douchebags of the world (silently, of course, behind their backs) and start studying their douchery. Studying just what makes ‘em tick. What makes ‘em so effin’ successful.

Damn. This might hurt a little . . .


Douchebags Don’t Give a Fuck

That’s right. They simply don’t care what you or I think. They do their own thing. Whether that thing be spray-on tans, greasy spiked hair, popped collars, shaved chests, or bling. Way too much bling.

Here’s the deal: douchebags have found their style. However fucking lame it might be. It’s their thing. They live it.

Do you have a thing?

And if so, are you living it? Because you only get one shot at life. So who gives a shit what others think. Who cares if people scoff at your ideas, laugh at your dreams, or even call you a loser.

It’s not their life. It’s yours. Do what you want. And make no apologies for it.


Douchebags Got Brass Balls

I hate to admit this, but it’s true. Douchebags have the guts to do what others are afraid to. They’re not afraid to tell someone off. Flip ‘em the bird. Or even throw down if it comes to it. They’re not afraid to try new things and make a fool out of themselves (ok, mostly they just can’t help that).

And they’re certainly not afraid to approach the ladies.

Yup, douchebags pretty much have no fear. Can you imagine what it might be like to live without fear controlling your every decision? Can you picture going through life with the confidence that you can handle any situation? Knowing you’re on top of things. That you can handle this shit because you are the shit.

Sounds pretty sweet, right?

Unfortunately, it takes balls. It takes guts. In order to go after what you want in life, you have to be willing to fall flat on your face. In public. With people pointing and laughing.

Are you willing to take that kind of fall?

Because if you’re not, then you’ll never reach the heights of success you’re capable of. Everyone of us has the potential to be remarkable.

Every. Single. One of us.

But only those with the courage to chase their potential can ever find it.


Douchebags Ain’t Afraid to Strut

I know, I know. They’re so damn obnoxious. Wiggas driving around in their pimped out Honda Civics, wearing oversized hip-hop jackets, and flashing gang signs all over the place.

Or those skinny Jersey Shore rejects in their muscle tees and wife-beaters, flashing their 12 inch biceps and oily abs all over the place.

Even that two-faced corporate bigwig; flashing his fat wallet, Rolex, and Bluetooth headset all over the place.

Call it arrogance. Or cockiness. Or bragging. Or whatever. I call it strutting.

Simply put, these douchebags aren’t afraid to strut their stuff. Now, what “their stuff” consists of might be questionable. Or fucking moronic. But we can still learn a lesson here.

You see, sometimes we need to strut. We need to show off. It’s in our nature. Strutting allows us to show our credentials. Doctor’s hang their certificates and honors on the walls. Authors list their bestsellers, or what publications they’ve written for. And bloggers always let us know how many subscribers and Twitter followers they have.

We’re talking about social proof here.

The fact is, without some sort of social proof, no one is ever gonna take you seriously. Ever. Because if you don’t show your wares, how can you ever make a sale?

Now, I believe humbleness is a virtue. But it can only get you so far. At some point, you gotta partake in a little braggadocio. Don’t wait for someone to just come along and shine the light on you. You’ve gotta do that yourself.

Or you’re just gonna be left sitting alone in the dark.


Douchebags Are Always on the Prowl

Just what exactly are they on the prowl for? I’m sure you can come up with a few guesses. Regardless of what they’re after, the point is they’re looking. They’re pursuing.

Douchebags know what they want, and they go after it. With single-minded intent. Failure is not an option.

In and of itself, that’s a pretty admirable trait. You absolutely cannot get what you want in life if you’re not willing to go after it. It doesn’t matter what’s stopping you: fear, doubt, procrastination, or ignorance. If you’re unwilling to overcome your roadblocks, then you’ve condemned yourself to remaining stuck right where you are. For the rest of your life.

Better to just take stock, take aim, then fire away.


Douchebags Know How to Close the Deal

Whether it’s a one-night stand, a big sale, or a sweet promotion, douchebags always seem to get what they want. It’s not coincidence. It’s not luck. It’s not cosmic fate or any other such nonsense.

It’s because douchebags never let an opportunity slip by. Never. They’ve got a killer instinct. They won’t quit. They won’t slow down, even as their prey tires.

They don’t give in to Resistance.

That’s what separates the winners from the losers. The heroes from the zeros. That’s the real reason douchebags get the girls, and anything else they want in life . . . they go after it, and they close the deal. Plain and simple.

Where you or I might cave to resistance, the douchebag just keeps on going. And he doesn’t look back. He only gains momentum.


So What Makes a Douchebag a Douchebag?

Sure, there are some tried and true douchebags out there (aforementioned wiggas and Jersey Shore wannabes, for example), but the sad truth is that most of the douches of the world are only douches because they have what we want.

They get the girl because they go after the girl. They get the cush promotion because they go after the cush promotion.

They get the opportunity because they go after the opportunity.

I don’t think I can say it any clearer.

So we despise the douchebag because he’s shown qualities we only wish we had: confidence, guts, hustle, determination, and ambition.

We call him a douche (or a sleaze, or a suck-up, or a show-off) but it’s really a matter of perception. We envy what we don’t have, then justify our weakness by calling those more successful than us “douchebags.”

It’s pathetic.

We’re better off simply admiring their virtues. If we can do that, then maybe . . . just maybe . . . a little bit of their douchery might rub off on us.


(Image courtesy of slamgreetings.com)
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  1. Great post, Trevor… and damn if that ain’t the truth! I guess if I wanna get my ass noticed, I better become a douchebag!

    Big of you to expose yourself like that, and, as a result, open us up to our own envy.

  2. There’s definitely polarities to everything. A few years ago I was a pushover – the exact opposite of a douchebag. Then over time I worked my ass to stop being a pushover and ended up becoming a douchebag (without the weird clothes and shit).

    But after years of improvement I’ve finally settled somewhere in the middle. I work my ass off and go after things I want unapologetically but I’m not being an asshole about it.

    Don’t think I’ve ever read anything about douchebaggery before. Love it bro.

    • Sounds like you’ve found the perfect middle ground. We definitely need to embrace some traits that others might call “douchey.” They help us get ahead and get what we want out of life.

      But we don’t want to go full blown douchebag.

      Each of us has to find our own combination of douchebaggery to see us through.


  3. Thanks so much Trevor! Gonna have to redo my logo now! 😉
    And thanks so much for checking out my video… truly appreciated!
    Enjoy making your stock – with the eggs! ;P

  4. John Bird says:

    You are the shit! Laughed my ass off reading this post! Your advice is always right on-and very applicable! (now I gotta just channel my inner douchebag and start succeeding)
    Rock on!

  5. i’m dating a douchebag. these are admirable qualities you list… one should be more confident and know what they want! Damn, it’s good to be a douchebag! Hope I can channel my inner DB.. like attracts like right?

    • Ha! That shit made me laugh. I’ve never hear a girl say “I’m dating a douchebag.” Awesome! Usually it’s just the bitter jealous guys calling the beau a douche. Good to see you know what you like and go after it. So it sounds to me like you’ve already tapped into your douchey self. Well done.


  6. So much truth. I’ve heard a lot of my friends refer to others as douches because they have what my buddies want. That’s not right though. Come on, the guy isn’t in the wrong just because he knows how to represent himself.

    There certainly is a line you have to be careful of before you fall into Jersey Shore territory.

    • It happens all the time. Guys shitting all over this dude, and shitting all over that dude. Basically just shitting all over the (more successful) “douche.”

      If you’re able to do that much shitting, you must be full of shit.

  7. Hah! Trevor! I’ve never seen the word ‘douche’ used so much in one go. And I don’t think you overdid it, either. It was used just enough to be effective, but not so much that the word becomes obsolete…

    Hmm…channelling my inner douche. Does such a phenomenon even exist? They have laser-like focus, right? Aside from their somewhat selfish qualities, this laser-focus can be applied to pretty much any situation in life. Focus on the outcome. And then go get it.

    Now, if only they used their douchey powers for good…..

    – Razwana

    • “Douchey powers for good” Ha! That’d be something.

      And I gotta admit, it’s tough to find the right balance when it comes to ‘douche’. You don’t want ‘douche’ to be overpowering, but you want it strong enough to do the job.


  8. Great points Trevor, though I don’t know if I’d call the people you’re describing “douchebags”. I’d say – like you do – that they know what they want, and they’re willing to pay the price for getting it, or – as you as – they simply DGAS.


    • I hear ya. But it’s just so much fun tossing the word ‘douche’ around like that. Besides, it makes for a far more interesting headline than “How to Get What You Want by Going After It” or some such, don’t you think?


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  14. You forget to add that douchebags fuck over their peers and are usually the first to bail when an actual problematic situation occurs. Not to mention most douchebags try overly hard to look cool, insecure much?

    Most of the things mentioned here aren’t even “qualities”. They are personality traits of an egotistical piece of shit who deep down needs to feed his ego and will cut any persons threat to do just that.

    You give the term douchebag watch too much credit, not to mention use the term incorrectly numerous times. You guys sure you actually know what a douche bag is?


    If this is what your definition of a douche is I’m so glad I’m not one of them.

    I’ll take loyalty, humbleness, honesty, and selflessness over this trash any day. Oh the world we live in this may hurt our “social status” and getting that promotion, but at least one day I can die knowing I died a leader not a spray tanned douche who wore a mask his whole life to portray a false image of what society thinks a real man should be

    Go and unbrainwash yourself please and thanks :)

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